The more amusing side of life

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Caution! Continue at your own discretion. Strictly over 18’s only!

Here you will discover a collection of jokes that were considered too cheeky to include in the recent updates. I am indebted to the kind souls who have shared these items with me, obviously some more than others. I hope you enjoy them, but if you didn’t don’t complain or I will send you a load more! 

 

Videos sent to me for sharing  (Caution, some nudity – it is the green one to save you time looking for it)

Subject:  A Truly Heart warming story
 

 From Rags to Riches 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”

The man answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”

The shoe guy replies,  “I have millions in your bank,” he says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”

“What’s your name? ” asked the executive.

John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department;  Do we have  a client named John H. Smith?

“Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, “he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”

 

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer.  I invited him here to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.”

 

 Mr. Smith began his story.

 “I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.  A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.  Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars.”

Three men got married.
 
The first man married a woman from Brighton.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and the house cleaning. 😱
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and the dishes put away.
 
 
The second man married a woman from London.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. 😱
The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
 
 
The third man married a girl from Dudley.
He instructed her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawns mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates. 😫

Medical Advice

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody  who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

As I mature

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just idiots.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm alone for about fifteen minutes. After that you had better have a huge bank balance.

I’ve learned that you should not compare yourself with others. They are more messed up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep on vomiting long after you think you have finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and the had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in my house, one of my kids did it.

I’ve learned that people you care about the most are taken too soon, and the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned that lending someone something affects their memory.

I’ve learned that the best thing to do is to do it. Forgiveness is much easier to get than permission.

Anon 1996

Embroidery

A young woman went into Victoria’s Secret and asked if she might have the sentence, “If you can read this, you’re too close!” embroidered on her panties and bra.
“Yes madam,” said the clerk, “I’m quite certain that could be done. What kind of lettering would you like it done in?”
“Braille,” she replied.

Little Mary Margaret (with help from Little Johnny)

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?” the Nun asked.
When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class. A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and savior?” But she didn’t stir from her slumber.
Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question … “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted: “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
That’s when the Nun fainted…

The Saskatchewan Cow

The only cow in a small town in Alberta, Canada, stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan, for $200. They bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the local veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening.
“Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away” they said. “If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side.”
The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, “Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?”
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?”
The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Saskatchewan.”

Pulled Over For Speeding

A young woman was pulled over for speeding in Otego, New Zealand.
As the Central Otego officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otego Police Ball.”
“Central Otego Police don’t have balls,” the officer replied.
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left … while she was still laughing too hard to start her car.

How to Lose a Wife

My wife asked me to cut back on expenses, so I gave up drinking beer. I wasn’t a big drinker anyway.
Then I found a receipt for £45 for makeup.
“Wait a minute!” I said to my wife. “I gave up beer; you haven’t given up anything!”
“I buy makeup so I look pretty for you,” she replied.
I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!”…
I don’t think she’ll be back.

Hypno-Therapy

A woman tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” 
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
“Margie referred me to a hypnotist,” she replies. “He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
“Well, that is wonderful,” her husband replies.
“You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years,” says his wife. “Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
“Wow! That was wonderful!” exclaims his wife.
The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time! The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife!”

Too Quick

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I’d get one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes when you’re calling for a taxi.
I had grabbed a woman’s card when I called a cab to take me from the airport to the hotel. It was an ad for a girl named Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long, wavy hair, long graceful legs that went all the way up to her firm, shapely……. So I’m in my room and figure, “What the hell, I’ll giver her call.”
“Hello?” the woman says. Gad, she sounded sexy.
“Hi,” I began. “I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now! I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream – anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound?”
“That sounds fantastic,” she said, “but for an outside line you need to press 9.”

In Sveden … er … Sweden

At a local college dance in Sweden, an American asked a local girl to dance.
While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze, and whispered, “In America, we call this a hug.”
She replied, “Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a hug, too.”
A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek. “In America, we call this a kiss.”
She replied, “Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a kiss, too.”
A few drinks later, they moved out to the campus lawn and had sex.
“In America,” he told her, “we call this a grass sandwich.”
She replied, “Yaaah, in Sveden ve call dis a grass sandwich, too, but ve put more meat in it!”

Bravery

A couple walked into a dentist’s office.
The man told the dentist, “Can you pull a tooth quickly? I’m really late! Another couple is waiting for us at the golf course and our tee time is in thirty minutes. I don’t have time to wait for aesthetic to take effect.”
The dentist thought, “This is one brave man, asking to have a tooth pulled without anesthetic.”
The dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Honey, show him your tooth!”

It’s All In the On-Line Name

All of the following are, or at least were, legitimate companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their on-line names might appear – and be misread! These are not made up. Check them out yourself.

1… “Who Represents” is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com.

2. “Experts Exchange” is a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchangecom.

3… Looking for a pen? Look no further than “Pen Island “at www.penisland.net.
 
4… Need a therapist? Try “Therapist Finder” at www.therapistfinder.com.

5… There’s the “Italian Power Generator Company” at www.powergenitalia.com
 
6… And don’t forget the “Mole Station Native Nursery” in New South Wales, Australia, www.molestationnurserycom.

7.. If you’re looking for IP computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8.. The “First Cumming Methodist Church ” Web site is www.cummingfirst.com. 

9.. And, finally, the designers at “Speed of Art” await you at their wacky Web site, www.spedofart.com.

Sex Appeal

It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a headache!”

Drunk

A wife, in bed with her lover, heard her husband’s key in the lock.
“Just stay where you are,” she instructed, “he’s always so drunk he won’t even notice you.”
Sure enough, the husband fell into bed none the wiser, but when he looked down and through his drunken haze saw six feet at the other end, he said, “What’s going on here? There are six feet in this bed!”
“Nonsense,” said the wife, calmly. “You’re so drunk you can’t count. Get out of bed and try again from over there.”
So, her husband staggered from the bed, walked to the foot of it and counted out loud, “One, two, three, four, damn it. You’re right!”

Just a Wee Bit…

An extraordinarily handsome Scotsman decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission, he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
“They’re looking’ to get married, so you came to the right place,” said the farmer. “Look ’em over and pick the one you want.”
The Scotsman dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well,” said the Scotsman, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the Scotsman date one of his other daughters; so the Scotsman went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the Scotsman replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date his third daughter to see if things might be better.
So the Scotsman did.
The next morning the Scotsman rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry.”
So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the Scotsman visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

Crabs.
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here,
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men would like to think.

Divine

At a Hollywood party a few years back, Bill Gates asked Hugh Grant for Divine Brown’s phone number.
Bill then called and set up a “date”.
When they were finished, Bill collapsed in ecstasy, mumbling; “Now I know why you chose the name, ‘Divine’!”
She answered, “Thanks, Bill. And now I know why you chose the name ‘Microsoft’!”

A Cow, An Ant And An Old Fart

A cow an ant and an old fart are debating who is the greatest one among the three of them.

The cow said, “I give 50 litres of milk every day, and that’s why I’m the greatest!”

The ant said, “I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”
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Why are scrolling down? It’s your turn to say something…

Why we do not have Agony Uncles

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching t.v. as ususal. I had not gone more than 100 yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I could not believe my eyes! He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear in high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he could not find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he had been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant. I do not feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Lusk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Do Something Sexy

Paddy was passing by Mick’s hay shed when he noticed Mick dancing a slow, sensual striptease before an old Massey-Ferguson tractor.
Buttocks clenched, Mick did a slow pirouette, gently sliding along the right wheel well and then the left, hunching his shoulders, letting his suspenders slip from his shoulders. He then ripped open his plaid shirt and tossed it onto a pile of hay.
“Jesus, Mick!” yelled Paddy. “What’re ya doing’?’
“Oh, hey, Paddy. Ye frightened the living’ bejaysus out of me,” said the obviously embarrassed Mick.
“Ya see,” Mick explained a bit sheepishly, “me and the missus been having a little trouble lately in the ol’ bedroom department, and the doctor suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!”

Job Codes

Dress Code.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

 

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

 

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.  

Drive-thru ATM

Procedures for male drivers

• Drive up to the cash machine
• Wind down car window
• Insert card an enter PIN
• Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
• Retrieve card, cash and receipt
• Wind up car window
• Drive away

Procedures for women drivers

• Drive up to cash machine
• Reverse back to align machine with car window
• Re-start stalled engine
• Wind down window
• Find purse, remove all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
• Turn radio down
• Attempt to insert card into ATM
• Open car door to allow access to cash machine which is too far away to reach
• Insert card
• After “invalid card” is displayed, remove Store Points card and insert correct ATM card
• Remove ATM card
• Re-insert ATM card the right way round and up
• Re-empty purse and search for the diary with the PIN number recorded on the last page
• Enter PIN
• Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
• Enter the amount of cash required
• Check make up in rear view mirror
• Retrieve cash and card
• Empty purse to locate card holder and place card in the slot provided
• Store cash in purse
• Re-Check make up paying particular attention to lipstick, puckering as necessary
• Drive forward 2 metres
• Reverse back 2 meters and take receipt
• Re-empty purse to find check book and store receipt for balancing later*
• Re-start stalled engine and drive away
• Drive for 2-3 miles
• Release handbrake.

 

*Note. Retaining the receipt for balancing is only applicable if there is a male (Father, Brother, Partner, Colleague, Husband, Friend) able to undertake the task. If not please skip this step.

Economic Crisis Solved?

It is June. In a small town on the South Coast of France, the summer holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.
Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel.
He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay 100 euros for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the 100 euro note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his 100 euros back and departs.
There was no profit or income.
But everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.

COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS?

Follow the Directions

A man’s wife became increasingly cold to him. He loved her dearly and did not want to do anything to hurt her feelings, so he asked his doctor what to do.
The doctor said, “Well, I could let you try this experimental pill I have.”
“Great, Doc! I’ll try anything!”
“Okay,” said the doctor. “Slip one of these pills into her coffee tonight at dinner. By bedtime, you should see a reaction. But remember they’re strong, so only give her one!”
That night, at dinner, when she wasn’t looking, he slipped one of the tiny pills into her coffee. But then he thought, “She’s been so cold lately and these things are so small, maybe one’s not enough?” So he slipped in another. Then he remembered the doctor said they were strong. “Hmm,” he thought. “Maybe two is too many? I’d better put one in my coffee, just in case.”
That night, in bed, wife rolled over, cuddled him and said, “Honey, tonight I need a man.”
“Me, too!” he replied.

Golfing

“Well, Ted,” said Bob, “you’re certainly moving up in the world. Now you play golf with not one, but two caddies?”
“It was my wife’s idea,” said Ted.
“Your wife? How’s that?”
“She said I needed to spend more time with the kids!”

Seat Problems

For weeks, Charlie’s wife, Lucy, had been nagging him to paint the toilet seat.
He finally got around to it while Lucy was out.
She returned while he was cleaning his brushes, got undressed to take a shower and then sat on the commode.
When she tried to stand, the epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.

Lucy’s screams rousted Charlie, who ran upstairs and quickly realized her predicament. They pushed and pulled with no luck, so Charlie removed the bolts holding the seat in place, wrapped Lucy in a sheet, and drove her to the emergency room.

As the ER doctor positioned her on the table to figure out how to free her, Lucy tried to lighten her embarrassment. “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

The doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen a lot of them, but I’ve never seen one framed before!”

The Deer Hunter

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, here I am.

Gone Fishing

Last Saturday morning Bob got up early, put on his long johns and dressed quietly. He made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway he went.
Backing out of the garage he discovered rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, Bob pulled back into the garage.
He came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. He found it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There, Bob cuddled up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
To which his wife sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

Gorilla Talk

A man, visiting the zoo, was standing before the gorilla cage when a gust of wind blew some dust in his eye. He pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle and the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars of his cage, and beat the guy senseless.
When he came to, the zookeeper asked him what happened.
The man explained and the zookeeper said, “I’m not surprised. You see, in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “sod you.”
The man vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. He hurried to the zoo, hid the sausage in his pants, and then went to the gorilla’s cage. He tossed one party hat, one horn, and one knife into the cage.
Knowing that apes are natural mimics, he put on his party hat.
The gorilla saw him, looked at his hat, and put it on.
Then the man picked up his horn and blew it.
The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage from his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked down at his knife, looked at his crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid!

Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their children and grandchildren overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra pills in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.
“I don’t think you should take one, Dad,” said his son. “They’re very strong and very expensive.”
“How much?” asked his father.
“Ten dollars a pill,” the son replied.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa. “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.”
Late the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10, not $110!”
“I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma.”

Role reversal

Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, “Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex”. The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. “We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.” “But what about afterward?” asked her friends. “Oh, that … Ralph was too tired…”

How to Get Out of Shopping With the Wife

Mr. Dillon hates to go shopping with his wife, but Mrs. Dillon insists he accompany her regularly to her favourite department store where, without fail, he gets very bored because he prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Dillon loves to browse.
One day, Mrs. Dillon received the following letter from the department store’s management:
Dear Mrs. Dillon,
over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may ban both of you from all of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Dillon are listed below.
Things Mr. Dillon has done while his spouse was shopping at our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the House Wares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3” in house wares … and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!”
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!”
And last, but not least…
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”
Thank you

Anger Management Works

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.  I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it.
A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I could not believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the “wrong” number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word “asshole” next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller I.D. came to our area, I thought my therapeutic “asshole” calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller I.D. program?”
He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you’re an asshole.” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
“Hello.”
“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”
Then I called Asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, asshole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out
of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works!

A Little extra

As a painless way to save money, a young couple agreed that every time they made love the husband would put his loose change into a piggy bank.
One night, during a particularly athletic session of lovemaking, he knocked the bank off the table.
It hit the floor and shattered. To his surprise, among the coins was a handful of notes.
“What’s with the notes?” he asked his wife.
“Well,” she replied, “not everyone’s as cheap as you!”

Judge not

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.
She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move”,
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes “Every night it’s the same thing”,
“Well you don’t!” she moaned “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black”,
“It is” I said,
“No, it isn’t” she said,
“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed, “You can stick the ruddy chessboard where the sun doesn’t shine”.

 

Memories

At 8 years old, you take her to bed and tell her a story to get to sleep.
At 18, you tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28, you don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38, she tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48, she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58, you stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68, if you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
At 78, what story?? What bed?? Who the hell are you???

Attraction

At a cocktail party, the curvaceous blonde was the center of attention.
Standing in the middle of the room, she was surrounded by almost every man there.
Finally, one woman turned to her husband and said, “I just don’t see what they see in her.”
“I don’t either,” replied her husband as he started across the room. “I’ll take a closer look!”

Doctors and err Doctors…

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner, and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.
Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sex session she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”. She confirms and asks, “How did you know?” “Easy!” replied the male doctor, “You’re always washing your hands.”
She then says, “I bet you’re an anaesthesiologist.” Male doctor asks, “Wow… how did you guess?” The female doctor answer “I didn’t feel a thing.”

Anything for the weekend, Sir?

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. “I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. “You old fart, you lied. There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?!”

Dead Man Talking, No. 1

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, “I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.”
Shortly before dying, he replies, “Your eyesight is perfect.”

Dead Man Talking, No. 2

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, “Your sense of humour!”

Sod the Pills!

A boy asks his granny, “Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?”

Granny replies,
‘Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!’

Baby Planes?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.
So, the boy dutifully walked up the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”
“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” the attendant asked the lad.
The little boy admitted that she did.
“Well, then, tell your mother there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time,” said the pretty flight attendant. “I’m sure she won’t have any trouble explaining that to you.”

Life: Here’s the Math

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U

V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

Thus, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

The Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip, or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention, in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at the convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I am the lead lecturer. I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really,” he said, “and what kinds of myths are there?”
“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed…. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

Make the punishment fit the crime

A boy out shopping with his mum, points to a shop assistant and says, in a loud voice “Look, look isn’t that man bow-legged Mum? He’d never stop a pig in an entry, would he.?” His poor mum was mortified and said “You must not shout out about people. It’s not nice. For the next month there will be no comics or books other than the works of Shakespeare. That will teach you to speak properly and politely” Well, the month dragged but the boy found that in desperation the complete works of Shakespeare were better than nothing. The month was up, and so mum felt that it was time to take him shopping again. Visiting the same store and espying the same assistant the boy, turning to his mother said in a loud voice

“Forsooth! What manner of man is this I sees?”

“Who wears his balls in parenthesises”.

Happy Homecoming

A merchant sailors’ wife was excited that her husband was about to dock after several months away at sea. She dressed herself smartly and got her young son ready in his best clothes. She ordered a taxi and once it arrived, they set off. Her husbands ship was not the only one docking that day and it was very busy. As they queued along the road in a long procession of taxis there could be seen a number of working ladies awaiting the exodus of lonely sailors.

“Who are they, mummy?” asked the little lad. “Oh”, said mummy “They my dear, are the wives and sweethearts of the sailors, waiting to welcome them back home, just as we are with daddy”. Hearing this the taxi driver spoke up “Here listen lady, don’t lie to the boy tell him the truth. Sonny those women are prostitute’s, waiting to sell themselves to the sailors of the docking ships”.

“Oh” said the boy “Mummy, do prostitutes have children?” His mother replied “Why yes sonny, of course they do. Where do you think taxi drivers come from”?

Doesn’t always pay to be popular….

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How you doing’?”
Bob’s wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
“Oh no,” says Bob. “He’s in my bowling league.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
Bob’s wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“I recognize her,” said Bob, “she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi, Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries to desperately explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, “Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.”

Bob’s funeral is on Tuesday.

British Health System

I was reminded of how class dictates the medical services the classes receive. For example, a rather posh well to do chap visited his Harley Street consultant over his weight problem. He had already started taking more exercise, like stirring his own tea and had hidden the TV remote but was still not losing any weight. The specialist examined him and provided him with a bottle of pills costing £10,000 (about $18000) telling him to take one an hour prior to retiring. That night he took his tablet and was soon asleep dreaming he was chasing nearly naked women all over a desert island with the promise of a very good time if he caught one. Well after a week a week the weight was starting to fall off, so much that he felt able to remonstrate with his butler, who was also becoming a little portly. Taking pity on his crestfallen expression our Toff told the butler about his magic tablets. Later that day the butler goes to see his General Practitioner (Doctor to you and me) explaining his requirement the GP admitted that he had heard about this type of therapy and wrote a prescription for some tablets. Calling at the chemist the butler was pleased to receive a large bottle of pills, one to be taken an hour before retirement. Sure, enough the butler fell asleep and began to dream. He dreamt that he was on a desert island surrounded by very aggressive gay men. Making clear what they would do to him if caught he was chased all over the island all night. Waking with relief in a terrible sweat and utterly exhausted he rushed round to the Doctors. Gaining an audience, he showed the doctor the tablets and explained that he had been given the wrong ones as his Lordship was chasing scantily clad women and he was fleeing from a terrible fate. Listening carefully the Doctor held up his hand. “I know exactly what the difference is. You see your Lordship went private whilst you have turned to the NHS”

The First Christmas Joke of 2011.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“In honour of this holy season,” said St. Peter, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the Pearly Gates,” said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
St. Peter said, “You may pass through the Pearly Gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
“These are Carols,” the man replied.

Church Notices

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.2. The sermon this morning: “Jesus walks on the Water”. The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.4. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.5. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”.

Divine Intervention?

One Easter afternoon Jasper, a little boy, was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked Jasper about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please get it.  Jasper informed his mother that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said, ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid. ‘Jasper then opened the back door a little and said, ‘Lord, since you’re out there, please pass me the broom.’

Definition

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. A little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

Risky

A man, his wife, and his cranky mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150”.

The man thought about it for a while and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why…. why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?”

Bra Needed

A man walked into the Women’s Department of Macy’s in New York City and told the saleslady, “I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B.”
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? “What kind of bra?”
“A Baptist Bra,” he repeated. “She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted.”
“Ah, now I remember” said the saleslady. “We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type.”
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, “So, what are the differences?”
“It is all really quite simple,” replied the saleslady. “The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.”
He mused on that information for a minute, and then asked “So, what is the Baptist type for?”
“They”, she replied, “make mountains out of molehills.”

Present

A husband shopped at Victoria’s Secret for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from £50 to £500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier!

Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it.
She dashed upstairs to their bedroom, where she had an idea. “This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don’t put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the £250 for myself.”

So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him.
Her husband looked up, grimaced, and said, “Dammit! For £250, shouldn’t they at least iron it?!

Payment

A stark-naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant cab.
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.
He makes no attempt to start the car.
“What’s wrong with you, sunshine, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
“I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from.
“Well if you’re not bloody staring at me matey, what are you doing then?”
“Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with? 

Choices

A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London, England, to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

So It Is Written

A preacher was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning.
He said to his small congregation, “You know, the Bible has an answer for everything. The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one time or another, been in the same situations you have.”
“Even PMS?” a woman asked.
“Yes, I assure you,” said the preacher, “PMS is in there. Tell you what, I’ll look for it and tell you the passage at services next week.”
So everyone goes home after the service.
Meanwhile, the preacher is looking for the PMS passage. 
When Sunday comes around…. he gets in front of the congregation and begins his Homily in the service.
“People, I have found the passage in the Bible referring to PMS.
“Really, Preacher? Where?” the lady asked.
“It’s right here in this passage where it says, ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem’.”

A farmer in Macon, Georgia, had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, “How will I know if they are pregnant?”
The other farmer replied, “If they’re in the grass in the morning, they’re pregnant, if they’re in the mud, they’re not.”
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week. One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn’t get out of bed. He called to his wife, “Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.”
“Neither,” yelled his wife, “they’re in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.”

1. Taoism – Stuff happens.
2. Hare Krishna – Stuff happens rama rama ding ding.
3. Hinduism – This stuff happened before.
4. Islam – If stuff happens, take a hostage.
5. Zen – What is the sound of stuff happening?
6. Buddhism – When stuff happens, is it really stuff?
7. Confucianism – Confucius say, “Stuff happens”.
8. 7th Day Adventist – Stuff happens on Saturdays.
9. Protestantism – Stuff won’t happen if I work harder.
10. Catholicism – If stuff happens, I deserve it.
11. Jehovah’s Witness – Knock, knock, “Stuff happens!”
12. Unitarian – What is this stuff?
13. Mormon – Stuff happens again and again and again …
14. Judaism – Why does this stuff always happen to me?
15. Rastafarianism – Let’s smoke this stuff!

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.:
Female – Any part under a car’s hood (bonnet).
Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul -ne-ra-bull) adj.:
Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male – Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.:
Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

What Were You Thinking?

Q. What’s round and hard and sticks so far out of a man’s pyjamas you can hang a hat on it?
A. His head! If you got this one wrong deduct 10 points from your halo score immediately!

Negligee 

A husband shopped at Victoria’s Secret for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from £50 to £500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier!

Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it.
She dashed upstairs to their bedroom, where she had an idea. “This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don’t put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the £250 for myself.”

So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him.
Her husband looked up, grimaced, and said, “Dammit! For £250, shouldn’t they at least iron it?!

Quick Buck

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you £800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.
“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?”

Risky Business

A man, his wife, and his cranky mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150”.

The man thought about it for a while and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why…. why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?”

The man said, “A man died here about 2000 years ago. He was buried here and three days later, he rose from the dead.”

“I just can’t take that chance.”

Golfing Story

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
“Arrgh! What happened?” the Leprechaun asked.
“I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,” the golfer says.
“Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?”
“Thank God, you’re all right!” the golfer answers in relief. “I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.” And the golfer walks off.
“What a nice guy,” the Leprechaun says to himself. “I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.”
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
“Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,” the little guy says. “I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?”
“My game is fantastic!” the golfer answers. “I’m an internationally famous golfer now.” He adds, “By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.”
“Oh, I’m fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know,” said the Lebrechaun. “And tell me, how’s yer money situation?”
“Why, it’s just wonderful!” the golfer states. “When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!”
“I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how’s yer sex life?”
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, “It’s OK.”
“C’mon, c’mon now,” urged the Leprechaun, “I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?”
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, “Once, sometimes twice a week.”
“What??” responds the Leprechaun in shock. “That’s all? Only once or twice a week?”
“Well,” says the golfer, “I figure that’s not bad for a priest in a small parish.”

A Scary Halloween Story

a cabbie picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
“My dear son, you cannot offend me,” the nun answers. “When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to kiss and make out with a nun,” says the cabbie.
“Well, let’s see if you qualify,” said the nun. “First, you have to be single, and second, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.”
The cabbie does and the nun fulfils his fantasy; but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

Killing with Kindness

Which reminds me of a story told to me a few years ago. Friend of mine was having a drink in his local when in walked a neighbour. The neighbour ordered a drink and sat at the bar. He looked very glum and down in the mouth. “Hey, neighbour” Said my friend “Why so glum chum?” His neighbour fixed him with a baleful eye and explained that he had just been to see a solicitor. It seems that he and his wife were just not getting along at all and had decided to separate. The neighbour had just found out how expensive a divorce actually was. My friend listened carefully and replied with “Why not kill her with kindness? I have heard that a man killed his wife by excessive lovemaking, morning noon and night. Within 6 weeks the wife was dead”. This seemed to cheer the poor fellow and downing his drink he left, with a determined gait and a broad smile. Sometime later my mate remembered the conversation and that it was very nearly six weeks since he had seen his neighbour. He decided to visit him and see how he was doing. As it was a nice day my mate decided to walk around to the rear of the house and enter via the garden. He could see the wife happily tending to her immaculate flower beds, smiling, and humming a happy tune. As he got nearer to the house, he could see the husband. My mate was shocked. There he was a wizened shell of a man in a wheelchair. “Good grief” exclaimed my mate what on earth happened to you?” “Never mind about me” came the reply, “look at that silly cow, she has no idea she only has two more day to live!”

 

Guess my age

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, “I can guess your age.”
The man doesn’t believe her but tells her to go ahead and try.
“Pull down your pants,” she says.
He doesn’t understand but does it anyway. She has a damn good fondle for a few minutes and then says, “You’re 84 years old.”
“That’s amazing,” the man says. “How did you know?”
“You told me yesterday.”

Choices

A pompous minister was seated next to a Texan on a flight to Dallas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Texan asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
“I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips,” he replied in disgust.
The Texan looked at the minister, and then handed his drink back to the flight attendant, saying, “I’m sorry, Miss, Ah didn’t know we had a choice.”

Making the Best of A Bad Situation

A Chicano named Rodriquez went to his doctor to determine the source   of his sickness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Rodriquez in the eye and said, “I’ve got some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it’s very bad. You’d best put your affairs in order.”
Rodriquez was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, Rodriquez said, “Well son, we Chicanos celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer; let’s head for the bar and have a few beers.”
After 3 or 4 beers, the two were feeling a little less sober. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Rodriquez’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Rodriquez told them that Chicanos celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
His son’s eyebrows raised, and he opened his mouth, but Rodriquez raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say. The friends gave Rodriquez their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Rodriquez’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”
Rodriquez said, ” I know mijo [my son], but I don’t want any of those pendejos [stupid jerks, or “idiots”] sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

Marriage After 25 Years

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blonde.
“Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Kitchen Aid

My mate told me of an odd and unusual event that took place in his kitchen this morning. His wife was in the kitchen preparing boiled eggs for breakfast.
My mate walks in and asks, “What’s for breakfast?”
She turns to him and anxiously says, “Quick! You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
Thinking it’s his lucky day, they have sex. When they finish, he asks, “What was that all about?”
“The egg timer is broken,” she replied.

Name That Animal

Mrs. Kumar was playing “Name That Animal” with her first-grade class. She held up a photograph of a cat and asked, “What kind of animal is this?”
“A cat!” said Little Suzie.
“Good job, Suzie! Now, what’s this?”
“A dog,” said Little Ricky.
“Good, Ricky! Now, what is this?” she asked and held up a photo of a mature male deer with an 8-point rack.
The class fell silent.
After a few moments, Mrs. Kumar prompted, “It’s what your mom calls your dad.”
Little Johnny’s hand shot up. “It’s a horny b*****d!”

New Breeds Of Dogs (Groaner Alert!)

Cross a Collie and a Lhasa Apso to get a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Cross a Spitz and a Chow Chow to get a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

Cross a Pointer and a Setter to get a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Cross a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund to get a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

Cross a Pekingnese and a Lhasa Apso to get a Peekasso, an abstract dog.

And finally my favourite a bulldog and a shih tzu, yes you got it a bullshiht

I once went to a zoo in Eastern Europe, they only had one animal, it was a shih tzu.

No Fear

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

Worried

“I’m worried,” said the mother to her doctor. “I caught my daughter and the boy next door examining each other’s naked body.”
“Oh, that’s not unusual,” smiled the doctor. “Don’t worry about it.”
“But I am worried, doctor,” insisted the woman, “and so is my daughter’s husband!”

Nurses Aren’t Supposed To Laugh

“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest “man thingy” the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, and then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
“I am so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Fred replied.
The nurse ran out of the room.

All I Want Is …

A professor asked her college class, “What do you want out of life?”
An attractive coed in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals.”
The professor asked, “Really, and what four little animals would that be?”
The coed said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

Chores

The husband got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks.
He’d cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, “Say, what do you get for gardening work?”
The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.”

Oh Really

Two old school friends meet at the coffee shop. It is clear that one has fared far better than the other, as she is wearing expensive clothes, jewellery and carrying designer label bags. The other is in an old coat, little make up and a Lidl carrier bag. They agree to a catch up. The conversation goes something like this.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you. You look so natural without make up, I have mine done by my maid every morning”

“Oh, really?”

“Are you married? My husband is a billionaire in the import/export business. We own several cars and three Rolls Royce’s”

“Oh, really? Yes, I’m married, he is between jobs at the moment, but he has been a decent earner. I have to go in a minute to catch the bus”

“Where do you live these days? I hardly know where we live, we have several houses. We have one on Antigua, it’s a little small, only got 7 bedrooms but we manage”

“Oh really, I took over my Mum’s rent when she died the council have put a new back door on”

“Do you have children? Jasper is a solicitor and Jasmine is a surgeon”

“Oh really, our daughter lives down the road with her six kids. Her latest bloke is a hippie”

“I have enjoyed our little chat; we must do it again”

“Oh really?”

“Indeed, it is lovely to see you, I have been very lucky marrying such a fabulous and wealthy husband”

“Oh really”

“Well I must go. Being wealthy means I have to serve on all these tedious charity committees”

“Oh really. We had a bit of money once. My husband insisted that he spent it on me:

“Oh, what did you get?”

“I had elocution lessons”

“Oh, my dear, I can see that life has been tough on you. I can think of far better things to spend your money on that elocution lessons”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, a decent coat for a start the one you are wearing is almost threadbare and it could do with a clean”

“Oh really? I disagree, elocution lessons were the best thing I have ever done.”

“Oh. And why is that, my dear?”

“Because I learned to say oh really instead of b******** you!”

For Website

One day, a very young Cyrus asked his father: “Daddy, how was I born?”
“Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway,” his
father replied. “Well, you see you’re Mom and I first got together in a
chat room on the internet.”Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, nor since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little
Popup appeared and said: ‘You have Male’!”

Pulled Over for Doing 22 MPH!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 m.p.h… He says to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he puts on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices there are five old ladies in the vehicle — two in the front seat and three in the back — all but the driver are wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” say the surprised driver. “No, sir. I was doing the speed limit exactly — 22 miles an hour,” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
“Before I let you go, Ma’am,” says the officer, “I have to ask: Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t made a peep this whole time,” says the officer.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer,” replied the driver. “We just got off Highway 189.”

1. Lawyer Joke No. 167

For years, the young attorney took his brief vacations at a country inn.
Last year, he’d finally managed to spend the night with the innkeeper’s daughter.
This year he was looking forward to another exciting few days.
But when he opened the door to his room, there she sat … holding an infant!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?
I’d have rushed up here and married you so the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” said Helen, “when my folks found out, we talked about it, but decided we’d rather have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!”

Riddle of the Day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a little one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Obama is one.

Micky Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfield is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took three.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s

What is it?

The answer is: A last name

You didn’t think this was a dirty joke, did you?

 

Lost in the Mall

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa.”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
“Jack Daniels and women with big boobs,” the boy replied.
I can’t tell you how proud I was of my grandson at that moment.

 

Signs

1. Sign over a Gynaecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones at your cervix!”
   2. In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
   3. on a septic tank truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”.
   4. on a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
   5. on another plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
   6. at a tyre store: “Invite us to your next blow-out.”
   7. on an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”
   8. On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
   9. on a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
   10. at a radiator shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

Say What?

Drowsing contentedly in bed after an afternoon of vigorous love-making, there was the sound of a car pulling up outside. Dreamily, the girl whispered, “Oh, no! Get moving. That’s my husband!”
The man leaped from the bed, grabbed his clothes and rushed to the window, when he suddenly stopped.
“Waddaya mean?” he bellowed. “I’M your husband!”

Commentators

1. And here’s Moses Kiptanui — the 19-year-old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.” (David Coleman.)2. “Once Tony Daley opens his legs you’ve got a problem.” (Howard Wilkinson.)3. “Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs.” (David Coleman.)4. “We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.” (Murray Walker.)5. After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: “We didn’t underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.” (Bobby Robson.)6. On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: “It was like being in a foreign country” (Ian Rush.)7. “Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand.” (Ted Lowe.)8. Jimmy Hill: “Don’t sit on the fence, Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?” Terry Venables: “I think it’s 50-50.”9. “We actually got the winner three minutes from the end, but then they equalized.” (Ian McNail.)10. “Ahh! Isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.” (Harry Carpenter.)

Suspicious Husband

A jealous husband hires a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more than a written report; he wants movies of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit down together and proceed to watch it.
Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man! He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by both the man and woman with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
“What’s not to believe?” says the detective. “It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

Opening an Account

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window “I want to open a damn checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!” says the biker.
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank,” the teller informs him. She then leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform her of the situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see, “says the manager, “and is this bitch giving you a hard time?”

 

 

Wedding Celebration

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”

Failed Examination

A woman and baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in, the baby was always hungry.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered the woman. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Telling her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” said the woman. “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

Solicitor

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked in the door at home, his wife stared on him about, “What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m NOT reheating it!”
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over, drying his legs and feet.
“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said. He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!”

New Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are new settlers in Brisbane, Australia.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic RM Williams boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots, and asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”
To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Dressing Up

An engaged woman, a mistress, and a married woman were chatting about their relationships and decided to surprise their men with a little sex play.
That night each wore a black leather S&M bodice, stiletto heels, and a mask.
The next day, they met for coffee to exchange stories.
The engaged woman said, “My boyfriend came home, found me in my leather and said, ‘You’re the woman of my dreams. I love you!’ and then we made love until dawn!”

The mistress said, “Oh, yes! I met him in his office after work with just a raincoat on over my outfit. When I opened that raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just made wild passionate love all over his office, all night long.”

The married woman said, “I sent the kids to Mom’s for the night, got myself ready, but when my husband got home from work, he just grabbed a beer and the remote control, and then said, ‘Hey Batman! What’s for dinner?!’

The Postman always knocks twice

One Monday morning a postman is walking the estate on his usual round. As he approaches one of the houses he notices that both cars are in the driveway.

His wonder is cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, spirit and wine bottles.
“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night.” the posited comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 a.m. Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.”

The postman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is,” Bob explains.
The postman laughs and says, “Damn, I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds. “Your name came up several times.”

Aussie Poetry

Poor old Granddad’s passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook – gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good – fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, ‘foul play’ was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all – the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
‘I reckon I can clear it up,’ said Dad with trembling breath,
‘You see it’s quite a story – but it could explain his death.’
‘This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they’d make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
But I couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’ waste,
So I moved the dunny over it – a real smart move I thought –
I’d never have to dig again – I’d never be ‘caught short’.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn’t dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened – poor Granddad didn’t know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you’ll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash –
Well, he always used to hold his breath
Until he heard the splash!!

 

Lobsters

In a small fishing village, a fisherman was walking up the wharf carrying two – at least three-pound live lobsters – one in each hand.
It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: “Well me Laddie I got you this time – with two live lobsters three weeks after the season closed?”
The fisherman says, “No – My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended.”
The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained like how?”
“Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”
“Likely story”, the Fisheries Officer says! “Let’s take them on down the wharf and see if it’s true.”
So, the fisherman goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The fisherman sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the fisherman, “How about whistling?”
The fisherman says “What For?”
The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the Lobsters”
The fisherman says, “What Lobsters?”

 

What was that?

Poor old Bernie is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
So, the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a blinding flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘1, 2, 3,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?”
“All you or your partner has to say is ‘1, 2, 3, 4,’ and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year.”
Excitedly Bernie rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. Once he has readied himself, is in bed and is lying next to her, he takes a deep breath and says, “1, 2, 3” and, in an instant, he becomes harder and more aroused than any time in his whole life – just as the medicine man had promised.
He reaches over and caresses his wife, who had been facing away from him and, as he begins to stroke her, she turns over and asks, “What did you say ‘1, 2, 3’ for??”

Priest’s wife

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says …
“I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”

The friend doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest…
“My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says…
“You better hurry home now. Roman Catholic priests don’t have wives…..”

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me … It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo… and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

Cheap Flights

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
“I love you!” she said, and the she got all excited.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever… which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

Contradiction in terms

There is an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s term was: “Political Correctness”.
The winner wrote: “Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds for the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end.”

Makes your eyes water

The following are the average number of cases each year for various adult injuries to the genitals, urinary tract and kidneys taken from a survey of U.S. emergency department visits from 2002 to 2010.
Bicycles – 1,212
Razors, scissors and clippers – 1,089
Zipper injuries – 951
Bathroom falls and mishaps – 818
Basketball equipment – 309
Baseball and softball equipment – 240
Skiing and snowboarding equipment – 182

Driving

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand-new Audi TT doing 85 mph with her face up next to her rear-view mirror, putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and, when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don’t scare easily … but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the MacDonald’s Muffin out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my iPhone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned “Big Jim and the Twins”, ruined the damn iPhone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call!
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

Things We Learn from Movies

 

1. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.2. If you are blonde, pretty, and have big boobies it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of twenty-two.3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.4. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.5. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.7. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off even while scuba diving.8. Every “ugly-duckling” woman becomes stunningly beautiful the minute she takes off her glasses and lets down her hair.9. If you’re a sexy superheroine in a skimpy outfit and get captured by a really evil villain, he will make no attempt to remove your costume.

HGV

Three large, leather-clad bikers entered the truckers’ cafes and walked over to a little old man eating at the counter.
The first biker pushed his cigarette into the man’s pie.
The second spat into the man’s milk.
The third turned over the old man’s plate.
As they laughed and sat down in a booth, the old man stood up from the counter and silently left the diner.
When the waitress came to their booth to take their order, one biker said, “Not much of a man, was he?”
“Not much of a truck driver either,” replied the waitress. “He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!”

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”
“That’s nothing,” said the second doctor. “Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
“Oh my God!” exclaims the first doctor. “I just realized – I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:

YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES
YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU…
YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN…
YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS…
YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES…
SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE…

 

Friendly Neighbour

Tom had been in police work for 25 years.
Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5 p.m.”
“Great!” says Tom, ‘After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. “Got to warn you. Be some drinking’.”
“Not a problem,” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More ‘n likely gonna be some fighting’, too.”
“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again,” says Tom.
“More ‘n likely be some wild sex, too,” says Cliff.
“Now that’s not really a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months; I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
“Doesn’t much matter,” says Cliff. “Just gonna be the two of us.”

Only Once

 

This reminded me of the time I found myself in a rural pub a few years ago. I was the only customer so having bought a pint I sat at a small table. After a while a chap came in, a little older than me and ordered a pint. Once served he sat at the table next to mine, we exchanged pleasantries as we supped our beer. I spotted a box of Dominoes on the windowsill and nodding in their direction asked the bloke if he fancied a game of Fives and Threes. He shook his head and said “No thank you. I tried it once but didn’t like it” We supped some more. I looked over at the pool table. “Fancy a game of pool?” I enquired. He looked at the table for a moment or two before shaking his head and saying “No thanks. I tried it once, didn’t like it” We fell silent again and supped our beer whilst the clock ticked off our time. I noticed a small cupboard on the wall. Darts! Now surely, he will have a game of darts. “Fancy a quick 301?” I asked smiling. Looking up from his beer he met my eye and said “No thanks. I tried it once but did not like it. But my son will be in shortly, he’ll probably have a game with you.” “Your son” I repeated, “he your only child?” I enquired. “Why yes” said the man, “How did you know that?” “Just a lucky guess I replied”

It’s Tougher for Women

When a new boss starts, single women have it rougher than men.
One secretary told another, “The new boss has had his eye on me all week. I don’t know whether to act interested or busy!”

You’re fired

Two assembly line workers were only a year from retirement.
One Monday morning, Dave just had to boast about his sexual endurance.
“Three times?” gasped Greg admiringly. “How’d you do it, Dave?”

“Easy,” said Dave modestly. “I made love to my wife, rolled over, took a ten-minute nap; then I made love to her again, then took another ten-minute nap; and then again made love to her. Can you believe it? I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I tell you!”

“I’ve got to try that,” said Greg. “Susan won’t know what’s happening.”

That night Greg made love to Susan, took a nap, made love again, took another nap, made love a third time, rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and went to work.

When he got to work his boss was irate. “You’re fired!” he told Greg.
“What?! I’ve worked here for thirty years without ever being late and now you’re gonna fire me for a lousy twenty minutes?”
“Twenty minutes?” growled his boss. “Where were you yesterday and the day before?!”

Phone Call

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, “It’s the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” She then told her husband what the chemist said to her.
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist said, “Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it.”
“This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and the house and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
“Later, when I was about a mile from the shop, I had a flat tyre”.
“When I finally got to the shop there was a crowd of people waiting for me to open up. I got the shop opened and started serving these customers. All the time the bloody phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open a bag of coins to give change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase, displaying bottles of perfume, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

“And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993”!!! 

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940’s, 50’s, and 60s

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos…
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nando’s.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on a Sunday, somehow we didn’t starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, milk from the cow, and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K..
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in riverbeds with matchbox cars.

We did not have PlayStation, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/DVD films, or TV

no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time….

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn’t need to keep up with the Jones’s!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren’t concentrating. 
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R’s education. 
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road. 
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiara’ and ‘Blade’ and ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

 

What They Said

A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies; and if you don’t know what a colonoscopy is, be grateful, Hehehe!

1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!”
   “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
   3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
   4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
   5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
   6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
   7. “You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out…”
   8.” Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
   9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!”
   10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
   11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
   And the best one of them all…
   12. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

Winter-Spring Romance

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that, after their wedding, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure, enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his young bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door and it’s Morris. Again, he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.
Once again, they enjoy each other but, as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris.”
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, “You mean I was here already?”

Why chocolate is better than sex (apparently)

 

• Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
• You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
• You can have chocolate even in front of your mother
• Chocolate does not get you pregnant
• When you have chocolate, it does not keep your neighbours awake.
• You don’t need to fake your enjoyment of chocolate.
• Good chocolate is easy to find.
• You can have chocolate any time you want.
• You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

Why Some Men Have Dogs Instead of Wives

1. The later you are, the happier your dog is to see you.
2. Dog’s don’t notice if you call them by another name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree you do not have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing and to the beach.
9. A dog will not wake you up in the night to ask: “If I died, would you get another dog?”
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
14. Last but not least: If a dog leaves, he won’t take half your stuff.

Mates

Women’s Friends: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house.
The husband called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men’s Friends: A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

Urine Test for Old Men

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus. 

One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test.  This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor’s tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they’re shutdown too.

Directions:

Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.

If ant’s gather:  DIABETES.

If you pee on your feet:  PROSTATE.

If it smells like a barbecue:  CHOLESTEROL.

If your wrist hurts when you shake it:  OSTEOARTHRITIS.

If you return to your house with your penis outside

your pants: ALZHEIMER’S.

 

© Copyright Market Bosworth Society 2020